There’s a common saying in the chronic illness community: Having a chronic illness will show you who your true friends — for better or for worse. I scroll past memes and statuses about this ALL the time on the ‘Gram and Facebook.

But during a late night ‘Gram session I saw a meme and it gave me pause. I felt some kind of way. I don’t know what state of mind I was in, but Satan took fool advantage of it. I’m convinced Satan is a night owl. Names of friends popped into my head, names of girlfriends I hadn’t talked to came to mind, then I found myself trying to place the last time we had connected. Before long, sadness and this feeling of loss and rejection came over me when I realized I hadn’t heard a peep from them, not even after my hospitalization last May.
I would dish with one friend in particular all the time about their work, up and downs of their love life and everything in between. We were  close,  not “close close”, but close enough that she had stayed in our home several times over the years. Somehow we had gotten to a place of me not even knowing if I had the right phone number for her. I cared about our friendship so I reached out on Facebook months ago.

She has yet to reply…

My thoughts started snowballing into bigger questions:
Why was there so much distance in the first place?
What’s going on?
I started going down friendship memory lane, asking the “Did I do or say something wrong?” question every one asks themselves after a break up. Yes, I felt like we were estranged and I didn’t know why… I hate not knowing why.

I know what you’re thinking. We’re all adults with adult responsibilities, so the silence probably isn’t personal. Yeah… miss me with that.

I’m the type of person who will give my friends, and people in general, the benefit of the doubt and rationalize their behavior and actions — sometimes to the point of foolishness:
“I’m sure they’re just ‘super busy’ ”
“Maybe they’re going through something; maybe something is wrong.”
“So and so didn’t mean to say or do that”
I practice the whole “put your self in their shoes” thing very well.

I am also the one, usually, who initiates communication and essentially keeps the communication going in my friendships. Although that is happening less and less after a recent epiphany that I’m 30-plus and too grown to be running behind anyone for friendship and connection. It takes two to tango, but I always seem to be the one that leads.

And finally, I am intimately familiar with abandonment. It plagued my childhood and made it hard for me to trust people in general. So if I genuinely trust someone it is sacred and it’s difficult for me to realize when it’s time to take it back.

The next day after my late night social media date the sadness was still there, giving way to a side eye when I see  on social media that my silent friend is alive and well.  Don’t you hate that, LOL? But.. people front on social media, so…. I’m rationalizing. #lesigh.

I have to face the truth that some friends who showed me sisterly love just a while ago simply can’t or don’t want to deal with my lupus diagnosis and being on dialysis now. My philosophy is that people naturally gravitate to winners. We’re all inspired by stories where people beat the odds and there’s nothing wrong with that per se. But when the odds are stacked against you and your race record has some wins, and a whole lot of losses it can get tiring. and some people make the decision that they won’t cross the finish line with you. I so appreciate the honesty from one friend, who I love dearly, who told me she was having a hard time accepting that I had to go on dialysis.

Something my counselor has to remind me to do is to “stay in the reality”, which helps me quiet the rationalization cycle. And at the end of the day I know I can only be responsible for my behavior and actions. So, while I’m disappointed with the silence that continues in some of my relationships, I will continue to support, encourage and love those in my circle the best I know how.

Sometimes I think I’m super petty to single out people this way, but we all have to do inventory of ourselves and the people in our circles. God made us relational. And right now I really need deep, genuine, honest sister-to-sister relationships, the kind where if I call you at 1 am about something you pick up. Don’t we all want that kind of friendship?